tour!

I'm on tour. I enjoy touring. Tora, Tora, Tour.

I was in Washington, DC, a city that's free-falling (hopefully, into the ocean.) We performed at a place called DC-9 which was this really cool rock club who's main objective was to not promote our show for us because we didn't promote our show, either. Thus, our problem. We showed up there knowing we knew 3 people between us. Those 3 people came and left happy. But other people showed up on a whim so the show wasn't a complete waste of time. We had about twenty people there which was perfect because that's how many we needed so that the place made money and we did not. We hit that mark so hard they didn't give us money. I love that about them. I hope to perform in DC in the Spring at the same venue or some place smaller. No preference, I just enjoyed myself a ton there.

Our next stop was Rutgers University. Let me let you in on a secret. Colleges pay tremendously. (when you go through the school) We got caught up in a weird thing with a student and our show bounced around from location to location from definite money to door deal to last night's "PLEASE TIP THE COMICS". The show turned out to be an amazing show. Everyone did great. Jacqueline Novak appeared on both shows with us and we love her dearly. Last night, Jamie Kilstein also did a guest spot and he was great. So far so good. We have one more show tonight and then it's Ithaca College on Monday for guarenteed money! Exciting much? I am excited to be able to afford laughter. I haven't smiled or laughed in two days, can not afford it.

Love you all,

Sean

KIDS OF AMERICA

I wrote a screenplay when I was 12 years old. I really thought it was good, when I was 12 years old. Apparently you realize how awful of a 12 year old writer you are right about now. I was just googling my name for hours. Like always and I stumbled upon this little bad boy, that I FORGOT I WROTE! So I didn't edit this at all, this is how I wrote it. No edits. This is raw!

Sean O'Connor's Kids of America

Kids of America

by
Sean O'Connor

Kids of America


(Scene opens to a Basketball court in the middle of a DriveWay. You
see one kid who is just passing the ball and one that's shooting. Then
steps in another who picks up the ball.)


Kenny: Hey Dudes.


Seth: Yo Duder.


Randy: Dudes, Stop it with the dudes.


Kenny:No Dude.


Seth: Dude. Dude, Dude stop it dude.


Randy: Narly Dude. But don't you think it would be cool if we ever
made it into Pro Sports.


Kenny: No. Dude.


Randy: Didn't you ever want to be in Sports Dude??


Seth: Yes, Yes, a long long time ago. When I was a young boy.


Kenny: Ok Dude. I'm gonna be like um... there.


Randy: If Garbage and Hootie And The Blowfish mixed together they
would be Hootie's Garbage is BloWFISH.


Seth: Otay. So is this what all normal kid's do?


Kenny: Well Dude, I don't know.


Randy: Of Course, were actually some of the smartest kids though.





Randy: Then again.


(Scene changes to a park)


Seth: Waz up Homeys??


Amber: Shut Up Seth.


Kenny: Did you know toast is hot??


Randy: Too Be or not To Be.. Thereforth a Fair Maide who stands there......


Seth: Where for my dout Romeo?


Amber: No.


Kenny: If my name began with a J I would be Jenny. Also if i was
purple I would be sick.


Seth:I got a 139 IQ.


Kenny: I got #1 IQ. I'm #1. I'm #1. Kenny RUlez.


Randy: Kenny Rulez.


Amber: Hey Seth wanna go to a Movie??


Seth: Would I??


Amber: That's what I want to know.


Seth: Your all morons. You are.


Jack: Super Dee Duper. Hey Hey My Fabuloso Peoples. I'm Buff, I'm The
Stuff, and Hey What's my line again.


Randy: Everybody's a Suspect. I Spy The Friendly Skies, In order to
have some pie. In the eye.

Kenny: Don't Lie.


Randy: I.. I.. Fly!!


Randy: Amber would you go out with me??


Amber: Um... No.


Randy: Lika Lika Lika OUCH!!


Kenny: Ouchie ouchie Tamagootchie!!


Randy:Woodstock Baby!! 3 Days of Mad Cool Rock and Roll and Shagadelic
VIbes Baby Yeah!!


Seth: You guys are stupid did you know that??


Both: Stupid Is as Stupid Does Sir.


Amber: Pyschos. Losers. Pure Losers.


Seth: Exactly, Exactly my point. Now that you 2 morons are occupied
how about we have a fiesta tonight.


Randy: Huh?


Kenny: The square root of 44 is 11 equaled into the isosles of a
square that turns into a angle.


Amber: Like um.. no. Like as if Kenny. Kenny you are such a moron like Whatever!


Randy: Hehe she said Az if. Alright Alicia.


Amber: You really think so.


Randy: Whatever.


Seth: Did you notice all of the people staring at us we've been
sitting here talk for like ever.








Tiffany: Like Hey, Amber.


Randy: Howdy Ho Tiffy.


Tiffany: Get away from ME Creep.


Kenny: Hey Sup Dude??


Tiffany: I am not a Dude. Do I look like a Dude I think not loser boy
get away from me. LOSER!!


Seth: Hey Tiffany.


Tiffany: Hey Seth. How can you hang with these dopes.


Randy: I am not a DRUG!! Leave me alone. I am Batman.


Kenny: I am Superman. Up Up and Away!!!


Randy: It's a Bird, It's a Plan It's Super DUDE Man. DUDE!!


Seth: I don't know I really don't know why I hang with them.


Kenny: Seth because me and you are buddys.


Randy: Budday. Budday. Budday.


Kenny: Budday Budday Stop It Budday. Are you my Budday Budday??


Randy: Budday.


Amber: ENOUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!


Randy: Ahhhhhhh!!!


Seth:


Amber: What??


Seth: Show Me!!


Tiffany: You know Amber, like we are going to taht party tonight. And
we must pick up Cici.


Amber: Like For Sure.


Randy: Yo Yo You Will All Respect My Authoriti!!


Tiffany: Ok. Feeling all right, Stop
taking so much Prozak.


Kenny: Party Party, Did somebody say Party?? And how come I didn't
hear about this??


Tiffany: Because you weren't invited.


Kenny & Randy: PLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS

SSEEEEEEE??


Kenny: Ice Ice Baby Do Do Dood Do Do Do. Now Check It Spin It while my
DJ Recalls it.


Randy: You Got The Right Stuff Baby!!!


Tiffany & Amber: NEVER!! Oh like alright.





(Randy & Kenny was moonwalking through the crowds of people)


Seth: Kenny & Randy quit making fools of yourself.

Tiffany: That's what they do best.


Cici: Like Hi Tiffy and Amber. Hi Seth. What are they doing here??





Randy: X-Files Episode 209.


Kenny: No Definetly 101.


Randy: No it's the one where the Alien comes down to earth and kidnaps
Gillian Anderson.


Kenny: No. I'm right on this one it's 101. When David Duchovney
realizes he's a guy.


Randy: Good Point. Shall we move on.


Randy: Hey John.


John: Sup Randy.


Randy: Not your fly. Hehe.


Kenny: Sup Joey??


Joey: Nothin Homie.


Kenny: Step away. Are you Wyclef??


Joey: Heck no.


Randy: What's my motivation.


CiCi: TO Get The Out of my House you Loser.


Randy: WOW!!!


Kenny: YEA. Hear that language honey??


GIrl: Do I know you??


Kenny: NO!!!


Girl: Then get away from me upchuck.


Kenny: Love that name. Call me it again honey.


Girl: CALL 911 THIS PERV Won't Leave ME ALONE!!!


Randy: I know You Wanna Get With ME!!!


Tiff: Talk to the Hand.


Cici: Oh My Gawd. I can't believe these creeps. KLenny & Randy gotta go.


Randy: I don't gotta go to the bathroom.


Cici: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!


Kenny: She thinks she's an animal. I love this Game. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Randy: I know your a Chicken..


Kenny: No Stupid I'm a Dog. MOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Randy: Right Chickens go Rough Rough.


Seth: Hey Cici.


Cici: Like Hey Seth. You gotta get rid of those imbusles.


Seth: No can do.


Tiffany: Seth is looking FINE!!


Amber: Yuck!


Seth: Amber is Looking FINE!!!


Kenny: Yuck!!


Randy: Hey I think that she's pretty.


Seth: That's a card board cut-up.


Kenny: DIBS!!


Amber: I am going to ask that guy out.


Vinnie: Hey Hey CHick.


Amber: What's up??


Vinnie: Wanna dance??


Amber: Yea with that Cute Guy over there.





Amber: Hey Randy.


Randy: This is a Bunch of Tree Huggin Hippy Crap.


Amber: Randy sup??


Randy: I hate School.


Amber: Randy??


Randy: Hey Kenny.


Kenny: No your not getting it.








Randy: Stop Ouch. That hurts.


Kenny: Haha. Loser. It's all MINE ALL MINE. Right Seth??


Seth: huh??





Kenny: Hey.


Jamie: HiYa.


Kenny: Like you are cool.


Jamie: Like you are like cool too.


Joey: Hey Kenny remember when you puked 4th Grade:


Jamie: Bye.


Kenny: Remember when I kicked your butt.


Joey: No.


Kenny: How about now??





Seth: FIGHT!!!


Cici: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not in my house.


Seth: Hehe COOL.


Randy: I've never seen this side of you Seth.


Seth: PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTAY.


Amber: I think he's drunk.


Tiffany: He definetly is.


Kenny: Could be??


Randy: Might be.


Kenny: HOME RUN!!! He's drunk.


Tiffany: Geeze, I liked him too.


Seth: Hey guys don't you hate De Ja Vu??


Seth: Hey guys don't you hate De Ja Vu??


Kenny: Like so like what's up??








Kenny:Ummmmmm This taffy smells wonderful.


Amber: That's nice.




Randy: Hey I got an idea for a movie. "A girl mom dies, and she gets sad."


Tiffany: GET AWAY FROM ME!!


Kenny :Points in the air: DUDE THAT COULD WIN AN OSCAR! Man.


Randy: Hey CIci.


Cici: Step away.


Randy: Please like I just need to know where the bathroom is?


Cici: That's it get OUT OF MY PARTY!! YOU AND KENNY!!!


Kenny: What??


:People all staring at them:


Both: We Know What Your Thinking. Were not gonna do what we all think
were gonna do. FLIPPPPP OUT MAAAAN!!! :Going nuts:


Randy: Now Who's Coming with US?? WHO'S COMING WITH
US?? C'mon Who is COming With Us??


:Some girl rasies her hand:


Kenny: Thank You Whatever Your name Is? Thank You.


Jennifer: Like Would you go out with me?


Kenny: NOPE I'm A Homo A BIG ONE!!!


Jennifer: Ewww!!


KENNY: WHO ELSE IS COMING WITH US??


:Some gay guy raises his hand:


Randy: You don't qualify Gay Guy. WHo Else Is COming With Us??


:They all start partying again.:


Kenny: Talk about your all time biggest backfires.


Randy: I feel unwanted :(


Kenny: Where's Seth??


Randy: Don't know don't care.


Kenny: He went to the other side.


Randy: The Dark Side.


Kenny: Wanna go home and go on America online??


Randy: Sure why not? I hear that Bigbuns11 is in Teen Chat 101.


Kenny: Oh Yea Sweet buns!!


Randy: Bill Clinton called Monica Lewinsky that.


Kenny: Dude that's not in the script.





Kenny: Hmmm that's intresting. I gotta do WHAT???


Randy: Yea it is. Oh No that's when I get a......... Arrested.


Kenny: And yea and that's when I got Lay's Potato Chips You Can't Just Eat One.


Randy: That's a good chip





Amber: You guys haven't left yet??


Randy: We don't have any money or transportation and a Monkey stole my Pants!!


Kenny: The monkey ain't going near dese babies!!


Amber: That's because your wereing nothing.


Amber: Randy I'll get you pants.


Randy: Man I felt the pretty breeze.


AmbeR: Sickness.


Kenny: Puking.


Randy: Hurling.


AmbeR: Disgusting both of you. Better clean up your acts.


Kenny: We take Showers. At least one of us does.


Randy: That can not be proven in a court of law. My Dawg, Yea that's
it crawled all over these shorts. Yea that's it.





Kenny: Welcome to Jurassic Park, Tiffany!!


Tiffany: Welcome to my Foot in your nuts.





Randy: Haha.





Randy: MY NUTS.


Kenny: OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!


Randy: Dork!!


Kenny: She kicked us in the JUNK!!


Amber: Losers.


Tiffany: When are they gonna learn that girls rule??


Randy: (British Accent) Girl Power!! Spice Girls. I am so Sporty!! Emma!


Kenny: (In British Accent) I am too Posh. Girl Power fight for your
liberal rights.


Amber: They are so stupid.


Randy: No were not.


Kenny: I didn't spend 7 Years in Kindergarten because I WAS STUPID!!!


Randy: Kenny you didn't spend 7 years in Kindergarten.


Kenny: Shut up Randy.


Tiffany: Why don't we go get those hot guys in there to dance with us?


Randy: Do you have to mention in there??


Tiffany: Can we go IN THERE??


Randy: Don't care. One day oh yes I will meet Jim Breuer.


Amber: Weirdo.


Kenny: Weirdo.


Randy: Weirdo.


Tiffany: Dorks.


Kenny: You ruined it.

Tiffany: So what?





Randy: Look who it is? It's SETH.


Kenny: Hey Trader. Oops I mean Seth.


Randy: Good one.


Seth: I was just chillen inside for a lil'.


Randy: OK Busta Ryhmes!!


Kenny: Seth you hate us right?


Randy: WHY?


Kenny: WHY?


Seth: No why?


Kenny: Just felt like saying WHY!!


Seth: I outtie Yo.


:Party scene ends:





Roy: Hey guys.


Kenny: Hey.


Roy: What's wrong with Randy?


Kenny: Randy's X-Files Calender Surprisingly Disappeared.


Randy: Man.


Roy: Oh Man good thing I got mine all nice and snuggled.


Randy: Ahhhh!!


Kenny: Poor thing.


Roy: Have you seen Seth?


Kenny: Not since the parrrrrrrrrrtaaaaaaaaay!!


Randy: I saw him leave in a STRAAAAAAAANGE Black Van. Never saw it
before. And I think he has my calender.


Roy: Hmmmm..... Let's try to look for him. Ahhh he's probaly sleeping.


Jack: Hey guys.


Jack: What was the emergency?


Kenny: Jack what's with the PJ's?


Jack: Hey I didn't come here to get made fun of.


Randy: Jack, Why don't you go home to get changed.


:Jack starts running.:





:Roy, Kenny and Randy run over to him:


Kenny: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Roy: WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?


Randy: Hehe Cool.


Roy: Jack you alright? That seemed like it hurt.


Jack: Mommy I don't wanna go to school I didn't do my homework.


Randy: Duh!! He tells his mom he doesn't do his homework he's a bad liar.


Kenny: Shut Up Dude. He might have broken a nail.


Jack: Dude I am alright.


:Phone rings.:


Roy: Hello.


Strange Voice: I'm not interupting anything am I?


Roy: Randy umm.. it's for you.


Randy: Umm.. Hello.


Strange Voice: Do you know who this is?


Randy: Umm.. Could it be Lamb Chop? You finally returned my letters
and stuff. Thank You.


Strange Voice: We got your friend. He'll be dead in less then 48 Hours
if you don't give us the Card.


Randy: What Card?


Strange Voice: YOUR Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card.


Randy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Roy you take it. :Crying:


Roy: Listen up, Dork. Don't threaten my friends.


Seth: Oooooowwwwwwww!! He's got me. Give him all he wants.


Strange Voice: Meet me at the Beach at 12. In 48 Hours.


:Amber, Tiffany, and CiCi walk over.:


Amber: What happened to Randy? He is like in tears.


Randy: They want my Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card. Who cares about Seth?


Tiffany: Where's Seth?


Roy: He's been kidnapped.


Kenny: We gotta find him.


:FLashes over to The Evil Doctor's Lair.:


Dr.McGroin: Haha I knew it would work. Now I would get the Card. And I
can sell it for 1 billion dollars. Hahaha. Seth why aren't you touchin
your food. It's only Macaroni and RATS.


Seth: Dude let me go and I'll get you a Griffey Rookie.


Dr.McGroin: I don't want yours. I want. I want.


Seth: You don't know what you want.


Dr.McGroin: So. I want money. Money money. I love money. And Seth you
will attract alot of that.


:Flashes back to the park.:


TIffany: *69.


Amber: Hello is like Seth there?


Dr.McGroin: Yes he is.


Kenny: I want Seth back you dirty little......


Amber: Mr...


Dr.McGroin: My name Holden. Holden McGroin and you call me Mr. I
didn't spend 7 Years in Medical School to be called Mr.


Amber: Sorry, I just wanted to know. Can we give you money for you to
release Seth?


Roy: Let me talk to Holden McGroin. Hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahhahaha.


Dr.McGroin: Oh if it isn't the Next Sherlock Holmes Roy Zario. Roy I
am familiar with your work. Like the time you found out I blew up the
whole darn City. Roy for only 13 Years old you are smart. But this ia
my smartest move yet. Hahaha.


Roy: Listen up Holden. I hate you and you hate me. But I know Seth we
are cousins. I am not gonna let you take him away. Now I will give you
300 dollers for him back. Now you better do it or your dead.


Dr.McGroin: Ok see you there. Loser. DISTANT Cousins Hahaha.


:Flashes to Labratory.:


Dr.McGroin: I am getting 300 Buckaroonis because i kidnapped you. I
can't belive it. This is so fantastic.


Seth: You'll never get away with this.


Dr.McGroin: I already have.


:Flashes to a Street.:


Joey: I love you, you love me. Where a happy family.


Strange Voice: Come here.


Joey: Ok.


Strange Voice: You like Candy? Then come on in.


Joey: Do I?


:Joey goes in.:


Dr.McGroin: Geeze that was as easy as Pammmmmmmmmmmm in the oven that
is so easy.


:Flashes back to Park:


Kenny: I wonder where Seth can be??





Randy: Hey Seth.


Seth: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE!!!


Kenny: YEEEEEEEES TEA IS GOOOD!!


Randy: That Seth. Well I think we could find him.


Roy: Seth we'll find in 48 Hours.


Kenny: I don't wanna wait a whole Week.


Amber: You guys are stupid arant cha?


Randy:That's what everybody says. But with all due respect miss, I'm
not the one crying over Seth.


Kenny: Red Head Right ahead.


Roy: It's Jack.


Jack: I got a concussion and 2 Broken Ribs.


Randy: I love ribs.

i haven't blogged in a month

i think i am back in the blog game. i took a month off to start writing jokes again, and it worked! sweet.

WANTED: GABY HOFFMAN

So. I am going on a mission and it starts tonight. I need to find Gaby Hoffman. You may remember her from Field of Dreams, or Now & Then. But I remember her for how she stole my heart. Help me find her and you're reward will be rubies and/or diamonds. I just want her to know I exist as well as maybe appear in millions of short films, I make. But don't worry about that yet.

tune-age

I am very un-hip, or uncool. Whichever you'd prefer.
But here's my 5 favorite songs of the moment..maybe the moment, maybe the year.

FIVE FAVE SONGS OF NOW? I think it's this year

1) The Arcade Fire - Keep The Car Running
2) Modest Mouse- Florida
3) Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Some Loud Thunder (The song. I don't like the album, but I love, love, love the song.)
4) The Klaxons - Atlantis to Interzone (it's bringing back rave culture.)
5) TIE : Beirut - Elephant Gun
Tokyo Police Club - Nature of Experiment (not from this year but it's pretty rad and tad.)

spam mail

today in my gmail box my spam reached 911. i have decided any other mail that gets added to that will be deleted to also go back to 911. so i will never forget.

GHOST RIDER

Let's get crazy in here and celebrate all of the Razzies that Ghost Rider is bound to win. I hope they sweep them. This could be the worst movie ever made.

Albums to Kiss To.

A couple of posts ago, I posted something about Bloc Party and I stated it's a good album to kiss to.

A couple of knuckleheads decided to post comments about what are other albums to kiss to.

Here's my definitive list.

ALBUMS TO KISS TO
by
Sean O'Connor

1) Albums to Kiss Someone You Love To
-The Smiths - The Queen is Dead :: Seriously, why? Because if you love the person you're with. You can kiss to any album. This one especially. I enjoy kissing to this album mostly because the music is very whimsical. I think a good song to feel someone up to is 'Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others.'

-Islands - Return To The Sea :: This album is sooooooo much fun. This album is very innocent so you'll be staying around the kissing and not move to other bases. Unless you're smooth and your name is like "Always Closes The Deal" Rick but then you don't even need an album to kiss a girl to because you'll close the deal regardless. The album goes from rocking, to cute, to rocking and cute. It also sounds like water recorded it. I like music like that.

-Love- Forever Changes :: This is a truly romantic album. Listening to this is like living inside a Valentine's decoration or just a real heart. It's pretty gross but at the same time, it has things going into that you can't understand. (I.E. arteries)

2) ALBUMS TO KISS PEOPLE YOU DON'T LOVE TO
Any Coldplay Album :: I know, gross. I hate coldplay. But who likes it? Girls I want to make out with but don't have anything in common with. They will be like "OH, you like Coldplay? That means you're really sensitive." Then they realize I'm a good kisser and I put on the Flaming Lips' 'Soft Bulletin' and they immediately regret kissing me. But still kiss me because I'm a good kisser.

Elvis Costello - My Aim Is True :: Honestly, I love this album. It's one of my top 10 albums of all-time. But I don't know what it is about this album. But it makes me want to just kiss people but not really enjoy myself. I'm either like this album is so friggen good, thank god this making out isn't getting in the way or I'm like woah, this making out is good and so is this album.....do I love this girl? and then the girl asks "WHO IS THIS? IT SOUNDS LIKE GERMANY." And I'm like "What?" and she goes "WHAT'S GERMANY?" And I say "It's a country, you said it first." And she says "OHHHH! RIGHT! I hate germany because I'm from Spain." Then I tell her, I'm allergic to spanish people and run.


This is part 1 of a 3 part series of kissing to music. Next part is about kissing puppies

Speeding Ticket

I got a speeding ticket around Christmas in the always beautiful Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey. You see, I had been in a fight with my girlfriend and things were looking bleek. I was so sad that I started to cry. As soon as I realized that I was crying, I began to speed. The reason. I figured if you're going fast enough no one will see you cry. Well...I was wrong because no matter how fast you're going people can still see your car. Especially cops. Known for being able to decipher blurs. So.... I got pulled over and got a ticket and I paid that said ticket and to get no points it cost me...$439.00. The town of Atlantic Highlands, zinged me.

Weirdness

Weirdness.

Let's feel weird. I feel weird about everything lately. I've been hating everrrrything lately. Like anything you mention. I've hated it. I like music a little bit. But I hate everything else. Okay. Okay. I like pizza a lot of a bit. But I hate everything else. Pizza, music. Nothing else. Okay. I like the new Sarah Silverman show. But I hate everything else. This is going to go on for about 2800 more paragraphs til finally it just says okay I like everything I mentioned, but I hate people who are different from me. By that, I just mean people who can't accept other people. I hate those people. I hate people who aren't tolerant. I think that's okay to do.

One time, this guy found my myspace and decided to tell me how stupid my comedy was. He thought it was really stupid and unfunny. But on his myspace in his hobbies he said he was "Anti-Racism" but I think that if you have to say you are anti-racism than you are racist. Saying you're anti-racism is like a little girl saying she's pro-pony.

Ugh-city, USA.

How To Get Visitors To Your Blog

How To Get Visitors To Your Blog


America. A place full of blogs. Everyone has one (me included.) But did you know my blog gets over 4 billion visitors a day. It's true. My blog is incredibly popular in asian countries. It's the truth. I figured out why. When my poorly written blog is translated into an asian language, it becomes one of the most intelligent things to ever be put on the internet. When my writing is translated into an asian language I can be mentioned in the same breathe as Hemingway or Wilde. But not Murakami, since he wrote in an asian language there was no translating needed. That's just one of the ways to get more visitors to your blog. Here's some of my tips.

1. LIE!

Whoever said lieing is bad, must not have a blog. Lieing is such a good way to get people to visit your blog. Like say for instance you wanted to get people to read your super awesome review of that Def Leppard concert you went to, but you have no readers. Do this. Post a post saying you found unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel tracks in a hotel room safe. Then post mp3's of them.

YOU: But Sean. I don't have unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel tracks.

Idiot. Just make them. Buy some glass and then break it while you're recording yourself off-key singing. People will think. "Woah, this is super indie."

YOU: Shouldn't I just post live tracks of them playing songs that actually exist?

This is why no one wants to read your shitty blog. You aren't creative enough. A Neutral Milk Hotel super-fan would know that the live song is an actual real song that they already have 5 different recordings of. If you break glass and sing off-key about Anne Frank. They will believe it because Jeff Mangum is notorious for doing field recordings. I don't know what field recordings are but it probably involves breaking glass.

YOU: Well, what if they don't believe me?

This is where you reel them in. Post your best writings directly under the fake mp3's. So when people are killing time while it's being downloaded, they have no choice but to read the posts below. They'll be like. "Wow! This guy has a really interesting take on sneaker shopping. Let me bookmark this and I'll read some more tomorrow. Woah, this song is super indie!"

That's option 1.

2. Comment on More Popular Blogs

See this is commonly referred to as being friendly. But everyone knows there is no real friends in the blog world. Everyone is competition. There are only a few jobs writing for the MTV blog. Do you want it or do you want your friend Pete's Head Full of Thoughts to get it? YOU WANT IT! So just find a post on a more popular blog's blog and post in the comments "That is so true." It will work.

YOU: What if it's not something you can say "It's True" to.

Trust me. It will be. Even if it's just a thing that says "Man, It's a Sunday." Just say "That is so true." BECAUSE IT IS! Just agree. Don't you know how to make friends? Even if you don't agree...AGREE! He's the 15th most popular blogger in New York. The most BLOGGY state in the world, nevermind AMERICA. You want to be on his blogroll. Just pretend to agree and then post a blog on yours that says..."Just kidding, I don't think black people suck." It will clear your conscience because the guy with the 15th most popular blog in New York, does not have time to read your very unpopular blog. Trust me.

3. Naked Pictures

Here's one I haven't tried, but you should. Post naked pictures of celebrities.

YOU: How do I get them?

There is two ways.
A) Steal them from another website. If you do this, make sure not to give credit. You're a blogger. You're too cool to be humble.
B) Make your own.

YOU: I don't know celebrities.

You don't need to know celebrities to make celebrity porn. Ever hear of fake celebrity porn? It's pretty popular.

Here's how you do this.

STEP 1: Download an illegal copy of Photo Shop Pro.
STEP 2: Get some non-naked photos of celebrities. (May I suggest Lindsay Lohan or Scarlett Johannsen)
STEP 3: Get naked pictures of non-celebrities.
STEP 4: Combine the first 3 steps.
STEP 5: Publish blog.

YOU: I'm not good at Photo Shop Pro, though.

You don't have to be. People who look at fake celebrity porn aren't looking for accuracy. They are looking for fake celebrity porn and how do you know Lindsay Lohan's very tan face with sunglasses walking into a party, isn't completely nude with her body turned a weird way and gigantic un-tanned breasts hanging out with a different background. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
You don't know.

Everybody knows those are the only ways to get people to read your blog. If you have another idea, you don't have a popular blog.

butts.

Today was February 9, 2007.

2/9/07. Add those up. That's right 18.

Which brings me to the movie the Number 23!

What's the plot for this?

A man (Carrey) becomes obsessed with a book that appears to be based on his life but ends with a murder that has yet to happen in real life.

YIKES! Sounds awfully familiar.
But what was that other movie?
What's this movie about? Funny I should stumble upon this...

The Plot is: An IRS auditor suddenly finds himself the subject of narration only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death.

EEK! THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR! Wait, but Will Ferrell has a lot of experience in comedy.

NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: But Sean then realized that so did Jim Carrey.

Wait, I just heard a voice.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: Sean was hearing voices more and more it's because he was to be killed in the next 2 weeks.

Wait, no.. I can't be killed. Who's speaking? I was just talking about the coincidences about The Number 23 and Stranger Than Fiction.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: He didn't realize the irony of his blog about the two aforementioned movies because he was stuck in the same vortex they were. There was nothing he could do to change it.

Well, what if I didn't see The Number 23.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: I didn't think that would help him live but he shouldn't see it because it's made by Joel Schumacher. His arch-nemesis.

He's not my arch-nemesis.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: He had no clue he would die by the hands of the man who created Batman and Robin.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I would not even be near Joel Schumacher.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: Then the phone rang.

Oh my God! My phone is ringing. This is too weird.


NARRATOR WHO'S WRITING A BOOK THAT INVOLVES MY LIFE IN SOME WAY: It was his manager, the manager that hadn't been calling him back over the past two weeks. This was peculiar to Sean. Sean had felt like he fell out of his managers favor as of late. His manager explained to him that he had an audition to appear in the Joel Schumacher's horror film "Town Creek." Sean was delighted but then the blood in his veins because to turn cold as he dropped his phone in terror. He knew what this could mean for his career but he also had been hearing a voice that had been telling him to avoid all Joel Schumacher films. He fainted then awoke and walked over to his computer. Never telling his manager 'No.'

The weirdest fucking thing just happened. I got asked to audition to be in the new Joel Schumacher film. I'm torn. I don't know what I should do. But I can tell you, I won't be seeing the Number 23 because this idea is shitty.

BLOC PARTY IS BACK

I wish I knew how to make MP3's available for download. But the new Bloc Party album is a fun album to kiss too. I haven't done it yet. But I will. Anyway, here's the the single's video!

sheck-it-out.




I know every video I've posted has been from someone from the UK.

I like them better.

Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye...

Anna Nicole Smith, we hardly knew ye.
Really. I know nothing about you other than your awesome performance in Naked Gun 33 1/3 or that soft-core pornographic film you financed with your inherited millions. Oh, you also wrote and directed it.

Which is crazy! You. Anna Nicole Smith, wrote and directed, produced and starred in a film. That's crazy! And now you're gone. For serious I know I am going to miss you.

Your long blonde hair,
your very wide smile.
The vacant look in your eyes
and that crazy laugh.
How I'll miss those.
The chubby days,
the drugged out gaze.
Oh, those boobs.
We'll miss you.
A walking punchline
now a tragic figure.
Sadness takes control.

-Robert Frost's immortal poem--- "Anna Nicole Smith will be a person" - 1953

I think for the day she dies you can look at her naked pictures without feeling like a creep. Tomorrow? That's another story.

Sadness

The sadness begun tonight. It was the first Here's The Thing at the PIT. It made me feel terrible. So terrible that I considered punching myself in the face (beat) a lot. It was horrible. Sad Sad Sad.

In other news, puppies are adorable.

The Klaxons

Besides Lily Allen right now, I am digging the Klaxons. They are crazy good and you can tell this because they do lots of drugs. Which of course makes bands better than they are.



Guys, you heard it here first. I'm going to quit comedy and join the counter culture that is raving. See ya in 1999.

I never got raves, only because everyone I knew who went to raves were creeps. Who wants to go to a place that's full of creeps? Not me. At least, not me then. Me now wants too!

So if anyone has any raves invite me. invite me.

Alfie

This is the video for the new Lily Allen video. It's awesome.

Hype or Buzz

There's been hype or is it Buzz?

Right now for whatever reason Here's The Thing is getting a lot of press attention from different things and it feels weird because I ind of feel like we don't deserve all of it. Just a little bit of it.

http://www.gothamist.com/archives/2007/02/02/sean_oconnor_ni.php#more

But we are fielding all of these gigantic magazine's requests to come to the show. That's weird. I feel weird about it.

But I like buzz or hype. I get behind artists that have it. Like for the past two months I've been enamored with Lily Allen.

Not just because of her sly looks but also because I enjoy her music as well as being a crazy anglo-phile. I kind of want people to find my obsession with all things British to be a bit much. But no one even realizes it. I should not like England as much as I do because of the fact I'm Irish. But I've decided to let everything slide. Sorryzzzz. It's all because of Lily Allen. I think she might be the key to that strife. Maybez? I hope so. As I type this I'm looking at the picture of her and she's clearly drunk and I'm okay with that. She seems like maybe she'd be fun to be around.

LILY ALLEN: Play 'DREAMING' by Blondie!

ME (Sean O'Connor): I just did.

LILY ALLEN: Play it again, and I'll blow you.

ME: Okay.

And I play it and she doesn't blow me. But we laugh about the idea of it. It was really funny. You don't expect that out of future pop sensations or current. I think it might be current. She's getting praise from everyone but my girlfriend. With good reason. I'm just hoping she succeeds with this career or should I root against her? That might be a good idea cause if she failed and I succeed it would be different. Cause she would have lived my experience already and vice versa. However, my failures were very miniscule and not like an epic failure of my entire career. But let's not root against her because what if she does fail and then we meet and then she realizes I had a blog and like SHE REALLY LIKES ME, so she reads all the back blogs. Then she reads this and goes "Woah, he cursed me." I know, I know. I really think like this. I'm just too awesome for words.

So last but not least, check out if the hype is well deserved or not on Tuesday February 6th @ The PIT. Tickets on Sale Now @ thepit-nyc.com.

PLEASE?

Factory Girl

I went to the movies and saw "Factory Girl" and I had kind of a lot of fun. I felt like I liked the movie because I thought it was pretty well acted. Mostly Guy Pearce as Andy Warhol and Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick.

But the fun all started to happen when Hayden Christiansen walked on screen as "FOLK SINGER" (aka Bob Dylan.) Now here's where it got fun. When you are supposed to be portraying Bob Dylan and you can't use Bob Dylan's name, you should probably not use his voice. Especially when you can't do his voice. I was having so much fun up until he came in and screwed it all up for me. The most not fun person in the world was this Folk Singer. Also, could be because as soon as he came into her life that's when she kind of fell into a world of heavy drugging. Which was not fun too watch.

All in all, I liked it pretty okay. I'd give it a 3 and a half rabbits out of 6 rabbits.

A made up rating system.

I've been getting into art a lot recently and uh, Andy Warhol is something that interests me. Some of his work is a really cool take on art, but then some of his stuff wasn't art at all. It was like "For my next piece of work, I will have a party and not everyone is invited." "Uhm, Andy. That's not art." "NO! IT IS!" "No, that's just being a kind of shitty friend." "Well you wouldn't expect me to be a shitty friend, that makes it art." "No, we do expect you to be a shitty friend. You're very self-centered." "Well then I did what you expected me too. That's art." "Oh, I get it! You are a genius."

That's any day at the FACTORY!

dancin'

we should be dancing under the butt of the moon.

RADIO SHOW TONIGHT!

Hey everyone,
RADIO SHOW TONIGHT @ 9 PM! We will be interviewing ANDREW WK!

www.hearnewbrunswick.com

Tonight.

Tonight, I plan on seducing my girlfriend. I am not a romantic but tonight I will try to be romantic by cooking dinner, and lighting candles. I'll put on the Virgin Suicides soundtrack and then just let destiny take over.

Actually it won't even be the Virgin Suicides soundtrack, it will be the actual movie playing in the background. ECSTASY!

Candles lit, an aroma of birthday cake and the sweet sounds of teenagers offing themselves! NIRVANA!

diet.

I recently started a new diet. Something I felt was needed because I've been feeling really sick. I thought it was a disease or I was dangerously overweight. After much research and three doctors calling me fat. HA! Just kidding. I don't have health insurance. I have decided to go on a diet. So far it's working. I'm hoping it works more.

HOPEFULLYZZZZZ!

Sleeper

I saw the movie "Sleeper"last night. I think it may be one of my favorite movies I've ever seen. I laughed a lot. I can't believe I've waited this long to get into Woody Allen. I started with "Annie Hall" and it made me smile more smiles then a smile-y robot. But then I was like that's it. But I saw "Sleeper" and it's such an amazing idea and movie. There was a couple of scenes in the film that as I watched them I said, "there is no way this would ever be in a movie nowadays." FUN!

also, the bad thing I thought might happen. Happened. But it's okay because our second show at the PIT has Andrew WK, and Michael Showalter.

Oh, NO!

Oh, no! That's all I can say right now. Oh, No!

Something terrible is almost happening. Cripes, and crepes.

Is it racist?

Is it racist if every time I talk to a black person I bring up Barack Obama and how much I like him?

skunk.

I enjoy the word 'skunk.' I almost believe it may be the best word. I defy you to tell me a word as good as skunk. If you do and I agree, I will absolutely spit in your face. Your ugly face. A face. Too many words for face. Such as face, and other words that also mean face.

I've been enjoying calling people 'skunks' most of all. It's a fun insult, because people will be like "Did he just call me a skunk?" and I'm like "YEAAAAAAAAAAH!" While I'm crotch-chopping. It's how I live my life.

But I just found out that you can use skunk as a verb. Which means doing poorly. That's the cutest type of failure ever.

ALMOST FAMOUS BUT THIS IS WHERE I'LL STAY (PART 2)

Now, now. Where did I leave off? That's right. His film "Personal Velocity" had just won the Jury Award at Sundance. The jealousies flame was lit right then. But it wasn't evident to me until about a year and a half later. At this time, I was still performing comedy, at an even greater pace. I was performing around 4 or 5 nights a week. Not bad for a nineteen and a half year old. (I say this because I think it's a rule that you stop saying your age and a half or quarter or three-quarters at the age of twenty. So at this time it was accurate for me to give myself the half.) I hadn't heard much about Lou. He wasn't doing too much. I heard he landed a bit role in an HBO film with Paul Newman and he was in some movie with Keanu Reeves. Both of those didn't bother me at all. I mean it was Paul Newman now. Not Slap Shot Paul Newman and it was Keanu Reeves now. Not Bill and Ted's Keanu Reeves. It's so weird how I looked at things then.

Fast forward six months and that's when I saw what made my jealousy boil. I saw that for his film "Thumbsucker" he won SPECIAL JURY AWARD - ACTING at Sundance. Why, that's something I wouldn't mind winning. He won an award. I got mad and it's not even like he beat me for the award because I was not nominated because I was not in a movie that was really a movie. It's just so weird to see someone who you used to make little crappy movies with in your friends backyards be a success for doing what you were both doing at the time. That was definitely a run-on sentence. But for whatever reason from then on out I was a complete jerk about the guy. My parents would be like you should give him a call and I'd say "It's not even that good of a movie." To this day, I don't think it's very good. But he was the best part of it. See, I never mentioned that to my parents. I just focused on the parts that sucked, like the rest of it.

Then came the run-in. Remember the run-on sentence from before? No relation. I was working a dead-end job at a Best Buy while also being a comedian and he was jet-setting taking home many awards for his dramatic portrayal of a guy who goes medication to stop sucking his thumb and becomes a great debater. At least, I think that's what the story is about. But he came into buy DVD's around Christmas time and I was there working because it was around Christmas time. He came up to me and was genuinely interested in how I have been. Hollywood phony, I thought. But he kept talking to me and even offered to take a look at stuff I wrote. I don't want that. I didn't want that. I wanted him to be a bastard. I wanted him to be a douchebag. I'm the douchebag. I wanted him to be like "Oh man, do you know what it's like to snort oxycontin off of Scarlett Johannson's pussy?" and I'd be like "No" and he'd say "Pretty friggen' great. I mean, Pretty fuckin' great!" (In Hollywood, you only say fuck.) But he wasn't like that. It crushed me that my stereotyping (I think) was wrong. I hated that, because it's the first time stereotyping ever did me wrong. Yep, I'm a stereotyper. You can hear me out of the left & right speakers.

Lou Pucci is a great guy, I am not. But I mean, come on. Wouldn't you be a little jealous that you can't even be the most famous person you graduated with? I mean the class before us the most famous owns a wood company and the class after us, a guy killed another guy. If I was a year younger, or a year older I would be a shoe-in. But instead I'm second fiddle. You know what has never been good Second Fiddle. First fiddle isn't even that good because at the end of the day, you are still playing fiddle.

ALMOST FAMOUS BUT THIS IS WHERE I'LL STAY

ALMOST FAMOUS BUT THIS IS WHERE I'LL STAY

by

Sean O'Connor

I'm a brilliant and hilarious stand-up comedian. So brilliant, and so hilarious that many people compliment me for being both, close to once or twice a year. A shoe-in for being famous? You would think that. But you would be wrong. I have a theory that to be truly famous you must be the most famous person of your graduating class, from any level of school. This explains why Pauly Shore is not famous, and David Schwimmer is. It's why the iPod Nano isn't famous, while the iPod Video is. I won't be famous because I graduated grammar school with Louis Taylor Pucci. Lou is a smart and fantastic young actor. So fantastic that the Independent Spirit Awards felt the need to give him with an award. When you bring metal or another type of thing that's like metal into the equation, it makes me the lesser number in the math problem.

I found this to be pretty rough for a short time. Why? Because I was being a douchebag who wasn't having fun. I liked fun, but everything was becoming a competition to me. In my head I was in direct competition with someone whose career is 1,000 times better than mine. It happened very slowly.

You see, I hadn't heard from Lou in close to 4 years. In 8th grade, he was in the Sound of Music on Broadway. I wasn’t jealous over this because in 8th grade I felt that Broadway was gay. Today, I find it to be even gayer. I didn't want to be on Broadway. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live. It was my dream. So I didn't think they had anything in common. Fast forward to 4 years later, when I am eighteen years old. I start performing stand-up comedy and taking improv lessons. I find out a film Lou did called "Personal Velocity" made it into Sundance. Good for him! At this time -- still not jealous. No reason to be. It wins the Jury Award at Sundance. "Well, it was just a small part." Oh, that doesn't sound like me. But it was me. I realized that I should be wanting to do what he is doing. But I can't, because when he was out going to auditions since he was eleven and taking acting classes, I was calling my friends "Fags and Dicks." (I had a very homophobic teenage life.)

To Be Continued...