ALMOST FAMOUS BUT THIS IS WHERE I'LL STAY

ALMOST FAMOUS BUT THIS IS WHERE I'LL STAY

by

Sean O'Connor

I'm a brilliant and hilarious stand-up comedian. So brilliant, and so hilarious that many people compliment me for being both, close to once or twice a year. A shoe-in for being famous? You would think that. But you would be wrong. I have a theory that to be truly famous you must be the most famous person of your graduating class, from any level of school. This explains why Pauly Shore is not famous, and David Schwimmer is. It's why the iPod Nano isn't famous, while the iPod Video is. I won't be famous because I graduated grammar school with Louis Taylor Pucci. Lou is a smart and fantastic young actor. So fantastic that the Independent Spirit Awards felt the need to give him with an award. When you bring metal or another type of thing that's like metal into the equation, it makes me the lesser number in the math problem.

I found this to be pretty rough for a short time. Why? Because I was being a douchebag who wasn't having fun. I liked fun, but everything was becoming a competition to me. In my head I was in direct competition with someone whose career is 1,000 times better than mine. It happened very slowly.

You see, I hadn't heard from Lou in close to 4 years. In 8th grade, he was in the Sound of Music on Broadway. I wasn’t jealous over this because in 8th grade I felt that Broadway was gay. Today, I find it to be even gayer. I didn't want to be on Broadway. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live. It was my dream. So I didn't think they had anything in common. Fast forward to 4 years later, when I am eighteen years old. I start performing stand-up comedy and taking improv lessons. I find out a film Lou did called "Personal Velocity" made it into Sundance. Good for him! At this time -- still not jealous. No reason to be. It wins the Jury Award at Sundance. "Well, it was just a small part." Oh, that doesn't sound like me. But it was me. I realized that I should be wanting to do what he is doing. But I can't, because when he was out going to auditions since he was eleven and taking acting classes, I was calling my friends "Fags and Dicks." (I had a very homophobic teenage life.)

To Be Continued...