How To Get Visitors To Your Blog

How To Get Visitors To Your Blog


America. A place full of blogs. Everyone has one (me included.) But did you know my blog gets over 4 billion visitors a day. It's true. My blog is incredibly popular in asian countries. It's the truth. I figured out why. When my poorly written blog is translated into an asian language, it becomes one of the most intelligent things to ever be put on the internet. When my writing is translated into an asian language I can be mentioned in the same breathe as Hemingway or Wilde. But not Murakami, since he wrote in an asian language there was no translating needed. That's just one of the ways to get more visitors to your blog. Here's some of my tips.

1. LIE!

Whoever said lieing is bad, must not have a blog. Lieing is such a good way to get people to visit your blog. Like say for instance you wanted to get people to read your super awesome review of that Def Leppard concert you went to, but you have no readers. Do this. Post a post saying you found unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel tracks in a hotel room safe. Then post mp3's of them.

YOU: But Sean. I don't have unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel tracks.

Idiot. Just make them. Buy some glass and then break it while you're recording yourself off-key singing. People will think. "Woah, this is super indie."

YOU: Shouldn't I just post live tracks of them playing songs that actually exist?

This is why no one wants to read your shitty blog. You aren't creative enough. A Neutral Milk Hotel super-fan would know that the live song is an actual real song that they already have 5 different recordings of. If you break glass and sing off-key about Anne Frank. They will believe it because Jeff Mangum is notorious for doing field recordings. I don't know what field recordings are but it probably involves breaking glass.

YOU: Well, what if they don't believe me?

This is where you reel them in. Post your best writings directly under the fake mp3's. So when people are killing time while it's being downloaded, they have no choice but to read the posts below. They'll be like. "Wow! This guy has a really interesting take on sneaker shopping. Let me bookmark this and I'll read some more tomorrow. Woah, this song is super indie!"

That's option 1.

2. Comment on More Popular Blogs

See this is commonly referred to as being friendly. But everyone knows there is no real friends in the blog world. Everyone is competition. There are only a few jobs writing for the MTV blog. Do you want it or do you want your friend Pete's Head Full of Thoughts to get it? YOU WANT IT! So just find a post on a more popular blog's blog and post in the comments "That is so true." It will work.

YOU: What if it's not something you can say "It's True" to.

Trust me. It will be. Even if it's just a thing that says "Man, It's a Sunday." Just say "That is so true." BECAUSE IT IS! Just agree. Don't you know how to make friends? Even if you don't agree...AGREE! He's the 15th most popular blogger in New York. The most BLOGGY state in the world, nevermind AMERICA. You want to be on his blogroll. Just pretend to agree and then post a blog on yours that says..."Just kidding, I don't think black people suck." It will clear your conscience because the guy with the 15th most popular blog in New York, does not have time to read your very unpopular blog. Trust me.

3. Naked Pictures

Here's one I haven't tried, but you should. Post naked pictures of celebrities.

YOU: How do I get them?

There is two ways.
A) Steal them from another website. If you do this, make sure not to give credit. You're a blogger. You're too cool to be humble.
B) Make your own.

YOU: I don't know celebrities.

You don't need to know celebrities to make celebrity porn. Ever hear of fake celebrity porn? It's pretty popular.

Here's how you do this.

STEP 1: Download an illegal copy of Photo Shop Pro.
STEP 2: Get some non-naked photos of celebrities. (May I suggest Lindsay Lohan or Scarlett Johannsen)
STEP 3: Get naked pictures of non-celebrities.
STEP 4: Combine the first 3 steps.
STEP 5: Publish blog.

YOU: I'm not good at Photo Shop Pro, though.

You don't have to be. People who look at fake celebrity porn aren't looking for accuracy. They are looking for fake celebrity porn and how do you know Lindsay Lohan's very tan face with sunglasses walking into a party, isn't completely nude with her body turned a weird way and gigantic un-tanned breasts hanging out with a different background. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
You don't know.

Everybody knows those are the only ways to get people to read your blog. If you have another idea, you don't have a popular blog.